Flambéed Beef in Rum-Butter Sauce with Thai Basil
Booze makes better. [Photo Credit: Alex Paternostro]
Recipe by Seth Paternostro
Introduction by Alex Paternostro
December 8, 2021
“They chopped my legs off with circular saws…while I was still alive!”
“Holy Cow!”
Jim nodded, “Darn Moo. Darn Moo is right,” and he jingled the cute brass bell hanging around his neck.
“So what Piggy told me a while back about you was right, and this is the new you, Slim Jim?” Bernice asked.
“I’m Just Jim, nowadays. Call me JJ, and yeah, I remember what happened at Slaughterhouse 6. I was scared, so scared the whole truck ride over that I wanted to pee myself, but I hadn’t been given water in days.”
“That’s inhumane!”
“You would think, but they didn’t care. The truck ride was hard, especially when exposed to December sleet like that, but it was nothing compared to what happened once that machine pulled off the highway.”
“This is dreadful.”
“I can stop telling the tale if you want me to.”
“No, no. I actually do want to know what happened.”
“Okay. They tried to electrocute me, but for some reason, their system didn’t stop my heart. It only paralyzed me. Then the hydraulics shoved me onto a conveyor belt, and I felt a hook rip through my calf. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t do anything but shift my eyes over the attendants who seemed nearly as dead as I was about to be.”
“Couldn’t they tell that you were still alive?” Bernice managed to say, her snout trembling.
“Doesn’t matter to them. They just press a button every now and then when a body’s a bit off center. They do that for good reason because no one wants a cow halved the wrong way. They weren’t paying attention, though. I was sideways, and the saws got me at the belly before I passed out, forever.”
“I am so sorry that you had to endure that,” and Bernice nudged one of her piglets away. He was too young for this.
“Well, the fact that I got mixed with mechanically separated chicken mash, pork byproducts, and who knows what was more insulting. And so, after that ordeal, I have decided to take to the bottle, and I don’t mean going back to milk.”
“Are you telling me that you’re getting into hard liquor?”
“That’s right. I have memories that I want to forget.”
“That’s not how you should deal with trauma.”
“I don’t care. You don’t know what it’s like to experience what I did.”
“Fair enough, but I still don’t think alcohol will treat your ills.”
(awkward silence)
“Well,” Bernice continued, “how are you going to drink?”
“I’ve already done it once. It wasn’t easy. All these families got arms out here.”
“Of course, they do. They’re animals.”
“No, no. I don’t mean limbs. I mean guns.”
“Ah. Right.”
“Indeed. After I got this notion to do as the humans do, I sauntered over to the Farmer’s House. I had finally kicked the last board out from behind my stall, so with a little maneuvering, I was able to squeeze out of the barn with ease.”
“So you just went up to their big House, opened the door, and walked in? You’re joking.”
“No joke. I was really quiet, making sure not to rattle my bell much. After nudging the handle with my nose ring, I was inside…”
“What? They don’t keep it locked?”
“Well, I figure with all the guns they’ve got, they reckon that if an intruder makes his way in, they’d fill him with buckshot before they even get up from bed.”
“Makes sense. So, how did you avoid that from happening?”
“I just stopped and chewed my cud every time I heard a creak, so it took me about four hours to cross the living room. I admit that I made some tracks on their carpet, but it was raining, which covered some of the noise, and I tried to wipe off as much mud as I could at the doormat.”
“That was so courteous of you.”
“Bessie Big Utter raised me right. As I was saying, once I made it past the couch, the 72-inch television, and several other of the humans’ essential items, I reached the Booze Cart. Luckily, it was that wheeled kind with open access. I can’t imagine how I would have opened a cabinet, but back to it. I snagged a bottle of rum. It was a 5-year, cask-aged, not bad, so I used my big lips to get the cork out, and I craned my neck up and took some handle pulls. Actually, I drained the whole bottle, and did it hit me! Whoo! I wobbled and knocked the cart over, which made a hell of a lot of noise. The occupants woke up to that, which meant I had to dash. Stumble, tumble, tv falling, dishes breaking, furniture snapping, rugs slipping, and I eventually smashed my way through the kitchen, too! I’d say I was drunker than Dim Goat after he chews too many beer cans. I don’t remember how I made it back to my stall.”
“Was that the ruckus I heard last night?”
“Oh, sure was. Just before I blacked out, I realized that the Farmer and his Wife must have pulled out their rifles, handguns, shotguns, and whatever. It was like ‘Nam. I mean, they lit the place up like a Christmas tree and must have made a real mess of their bedroom. Hundreds and hundreds of rounds of ammunition—Their ceiling must look like a star chart, it’s got so many holes in it.”
“So are you going to return for another bender?”
“Maybe. Time will tell…”
Serves 4
Total time
15 minutes
Equipment:
cutting board, chef’s knife or cleaver, mixing bowl, kitchen tongs, measuring cups and spoons, 10-inch cast-iron skillet, kitchen towel or oven mitt
Tableware:
plates and utensils
Ingredients
1 lb very thinly-sliced beef (most cuts will work for this dish)
2 tbsps fish sauce
1 tbsp palm sugar
2 tsps rice wine vinegar
½ tsp coarsely ground black pepper
1 shallot
2 cloves garlic
2 tbsps unsalted butter
4 tbsps 5-year aged rum
Peanut oil, as needed
Thai basil, as needed
Kosher salt, as needed
White rice, for serving
Instructions
Set out all equipment, tableware, and ingredients. Heat the cast iron skillet over high heat until it stops smoking.
Combine the beef, fish sauce, palm sugar, rice wine vinegar, black pepper, and a pinch of salt.
Rub the ingredients together until the meat absorbs most of the liquids.
Peel, and thinly slice the shallot and garlic. Separate the shallot pieces into individual rings.
Pour 2 tbsps of the rum into a small measuring cup, and place away from the burner but within easy reach.
Pour a very thin layer of oil into the skillet, and add about half of the meat in a single layer.
Sprinkle half of the shallot and garlic slices on top.
When the beef is browned but not yet cooked through, remove the skillet from over the burner, pour in the rum, then tilt the pan to ignite.
When the flames have died down, turn off the heat, toss the mixture together, and stir in 1 tbsp butter.
Serve over rice, and garnish with plenty of thai basil leaves. Repeat the process with the remaining beef, and enjoy the light show once again.
Notes: Thinly-sliced beef is often available at Asian grocery stores. If you want to cut your own, then first firm the meat up in the freezer for about 30 minutes to make slicing easier. This recipe calls for cooking in 2 batches to avoid flambéing with a larger amount of alcohol. For an induction stovetop, follow the directions above but use a match or lighter to ignite the booze.
NUTRITION FACTS:
Calories 306 Total Fat 19.3g (25%) Saturated Fat 9.3g (46%) Cholesterol 97mg (32%) Sodium 442mg (19%) Total Carbohydrate 3.8g (1%) Dietary Fiber 0g (0%) Total Sugars 2.5g Protein 24.4g Vitamin D 0mcg (0%) Calcium 23mg (2%) Iron 3mg (14%) Potassium 47mg (1%) - Note: Please read our Nutrition Disclaimer.
Seth Paternostro is a writer and recipe developer based in Chicago. He is a co-founder of Our American Cuisine and graduated summa cum laude from Princeton University with an A.B. in East Asian Studies. You can learn more about him here.
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